A Modest Proposal
FOR MANDATORY CLONING
America’s stress levels are on the rise. Between the current financial crisis, the war, and international unrest the nation is practically ripping it’s hair out. A stressed out individual, let alone an entire country of stressed out individuals does not create a pleasant situation for anyone. Divorce rates are up. Suicides rates are up. Anti-depressant prescription rates are up. However, the solution is clear- I propose the implementation of mandatory cloning of all U.S. citizens (pet cloning optional).
I’m sure at one point you have heard someone sigh and say “If only there were more hours in the day…” Well, now in a sense there can be without having to go through all the trouble of changing the Earth’s rotational patterns. By having a clone you will have far more time to sit back and relax, shoot the breeze with old friends, drink, eat and be merry. With a clone to go to school or work everyday, run errands, and handle finances stress will be significantly alleviated. Everyday burdens will be a thing of the past. A society of carefree citizens will allow more time for personal advancement without the restraints of a business meeting or a screaming infant. Words such as “Zoloft”, “debt” and “alimony” will become archaic; murder and crime old news.
Cloning clinics will be built across the nation insuring everyone can reap the benefits of their clone as soon as possible. Clones will be injected with a potent growth hormone, instantly making them the same age as the origin human. By doing so the hassle of having to wait for the natural progression of life will be eliminated.
Wasting time with therapy and developing an optimistic life outlook is futile. Life is far too short and those things take time to start working. Meditation and Yogic practices are all commercialized trends anyway. Anyone that’s ever done it knows it doesn’t really work. Rather than relying on anti-depressants, the same results can be achieved almost instantly, without the risky side effects. And as for moral objection on religious grounds -God wants you to be happy.
